It’s 5AM. You left the volume on your phone too high last night playing funny cat videos before drifting off to sleep. So when the alarm goes off, it’s REALLY loud.
Ugh. You probably shouldn’t have stayed up all the way catching up on the last 3 episodes of Walking Dead. Now you are really tired and you’ve got intervals this morning. Double Ugh.
That was last week. But this week, all is changed! You wake up refreshed and energetic, ready to tackle a full session of swimming with vim and vigor! It’s still 5AM….so what changed?
The Fabulous phenomenon called Daylight Savings Time happened, that’s what. What used to be 6AM, when you’re usually already halfway through your swim, is now 5AM. MONEY!
But there is a flip side to Daylight Savings Time, isn’t there? You gain an hour of sleep, but if you just stay up an hour later because your body is used to that then that 5AM DST timetable doesn’t really change anything. And then the entire thing just kind of wears off after a week or so, and you are left with it getting dark right as you finished up work and you wanted to get some raking done (actual quantity of raking required in various areas may differ by location).
So I propose a new system, which I will be calling ‘Progressive Daylight Savings time’. I think it is going to revolutionize daylight management. Say if, at the end of the 2 weeks it takes your body to become accustomed to the hour shift, you set your clocks back again? How fantastic would that be? A new extra hour of sleep every two weeks?!? Where do I sign up?
I know what you are saying, won’t that just eventually turn day into night and night into day before long? Well, yes, that will occur, there will be some shifts we will need to get used to, that’s true, but we are taking about an EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP every TWO WEEKS, people! Hello?!?
I still see the skepticism in your eyes, drilling a hole through me like a 1980’s Star Wars Missile Defense System laser beam. Ok, let’s just take this step-by-step, and I think I can make a pretty solid case for Progressive Daylight Savings Time.
Let’s start with New Year’s. If it gets dark normally at 630PM at Daylight Savings time, and dawn is say around 7AM, then on New Year’s Eve under PDST (it’s now referred to by initials, it has momentum, there is no stopping it now), it will get dark at 130PM. No one works past 130PM on New Year’s Eve anyway, so that is the perfect time to start the (virtual) evening for a marathon night of ushering in the New Year. And imagine what a rock star you will feel like when the ball drops and then inside of a couple hours later, the sun starts to come up! You can catch the first sunrise of the New Year, and then crash like you used to do in the old days (or if you are a college student or unmarried twenty something, pretty much every weekend…).
Need more convincing? How about a free excuse for getting to practice late on Monday, swimmers? See, in my proposal for PDST comes the additional fine print addition that the clocks change be shifted to Sunday night instead of Saturday Night. Up too late watching Sunday Night Football, causing a very difficult time getting up with that alarm (despite the fact you just turned it back)? Sorry, got crossed up with the clocks change, coach, my bad (It doesn’t even work like that, but it will all be so confusing, I’m sure you could sell it.)
The list just goes on and on. During Spring Break, when the entire collegiate world completely reverses their body clocks and stays up all night and sleeps all day, the ‘day’ at that time would already be dark, and you could sleep during the actual end of the day, which would, of course be in broad daylight, preserving the sacred tradition.
Graveyard Shift workers, you get a boost here, too. For almost half a year you get to work while the sun is up, and all those other goodie-two-shoes on the day shift get their turn in the darkness. Take that 7AM-3PM sugar shift!
And here is probably the biggest benefit of all….it never stops, and you never have to go through the anti-fun evil twin of the Fall Back time change, the totally depressing and exhausting Spring Forward time change, where everyone has to now get up one hour earlier than they had been just the week before. That’s just plain awful. But with PDST, no more, we just keep getting an extra hour of sleep, every two weeks, all year long, and for the next year and the next year…to infinity and beyond!
‘But there are only 24 hours in day and 26 weeks in a year, so how does that work?’ you ask? Lighten up, Frances, we’ve got that covered, too. In order to even things out, I propose that we don’t take the time change just before Christmas, since it would have the potential negative side effect of screwing up Santa, (plus you are on vacation and don’t really need the extra hour then anyway), and also prior to the 4th of July, because it’s already next to impossible to figure out when local fireworks are set to go off without throwing another variable in there.
It will take establishing some new traditions (getting up at 3AM to watch the sunrise, twilight greens fees at 1130AM), but again, we are talking about another hour of sleep every….two….weeks. It will be good for you, you will finally have sympathy for the Arctic circle crowd and their 22 hour winter nights and summer days.
If you are for PDST, please cast your vote below in our comments section by typing, “Dimitte me ut coëam” (the official slogan for the movement, Latin for ‘Let me Sleep’, I can almost hear it being chanted in the streets) or “Ego sum a spongia fun” for No (latin for ‘I am a fun sponge’).